My Mercedes in pain

I just couldn't get myself to sleep tonight. Many things on my mind after short reflections.

1. On my social activities - already thought to cut down and focus on organ donation last year. Anas suggested that I quit all others or just be member and focus on one. My first thought is Organ Donation but my heart just cannot leave St. John Ambulance, too. It is a burning fire since school days.

2. On my tasks - I have cleared a few tasks and more to clear tomorrow in office. But my single largest task is to finish the St. John Ambulance centenary book. While I was being assigned as co-director (unofficially) for the book, I did not hear any news update about it since my operation. I just sent an email to the team to find out my status. Not sure if I am still a part of the book production team.

3. On relationship - I found out where it went wrong. So I ought to correct this.

4. On coming blood tests - 7am I will be going to BP laboratories for a blood test and ultrasound scan. This is the second follow up tests after the operation.

5. On my gastric pain - I had gastric, quite serious wind and gastric before operations. Every now and then I would need a doctor's consultation. I still remember fasting during Ramadhan back when I was 18 years old. After 4 years of consistent fasting during Ramadhan, I stopped on the 5th because of gastric. This should be the 8th year I can't fast for the coming Ramadhan if the gastric does not get better. However, after operation, it was for months until I had some wind and few days ago, gastric came back. Overworked (trying to finish scanning 400+ cards to the CRM system), sleeping late, eating too much at different intervals, meal schedule altered and not taking the gastric pill when needed. OK, since I already knew the reasons, I will take care of myself better.

6. On my Mercedes (my scar on the abdomen) - the Mercedes is a little sensitive these few days. Touching the surface of the scar also feel sensitive. Right side of the scar also having occasional pitching pain. Seems like I am not fully healed yet. I have heard from friends and doctors that sometimes organ donors tend to be depressed mainly due to the pain.

As a happy-go-lucky person, I never find myself having problems with depression. With the Mercedes on and the occasion pain, however, I tend to avoid socializing and meeting people now. I realized that the name cards I got from attending a seminar is now lesser than previous. Even if I go to areas with many people or crowded places, I tend to protect my Mercedes with the fear of people bumping to this luxury logo!

A few weeks ago, I really felt the "depression". I felt that I am more reserved, not joining activities as I used to be, stay home more often and even when going out, I felt myself over protective of the Mercedes. I tend to talk lesser but laugh more. The more I feel sad, the more I laugh and tell jokes, so to release tension.

A fortunate thing to realize all these very early. I told my colleagues about this - releasing whatever feelings I have. Sometimes, pouring out is the best way out. I forced myself to join activities - I joined the Sampah Masyarakat for Buddhist Maha Vihara clean up from the Wesak day aftermath, braved myself to the 3,800 crowd in Millionaire Mind Intensive (even so, I bought the VIP ticket to avoid crushing on with people at general seats).

News on me were out in Feminine, Money Compass, Sin Chew Daily and multiple blogs written on me - all these are happy occasions. Frankly, who will not be happy with news on papers? These news actually helped to reduce my "depression". With more news, more sms-es poured in and more people lifted me to the sky by saying how great I am, how couragous I am, how goddess is this.... sometimes I felt that this liver donation only touched one life, more people have done more to touch more lives, therefore mine is not too big a feat. However, these comments did help to reduce the "depression".

Then during XeerSoft Day, I truly enjoyed the day as just any Xeer (in our company, everyone is a Xeer). I wasn't in any committee as I was already in charged of team building on XeerSoft Day before my operation. It was a full enjoyment. Although I could not run fast but I gave all I can to support my team, even running with both hands supporting my Mercedes. On that day, I got the best team member award. During that day, I was also awarded for being the best in Smiling Contest. The slow building up of "depression" was defeated by multiple "warriors of happiness and smiles".

I want to thank everyone who has helped me gone through the process of post operation. My aunts who took care of me surpassing the professional nurses standards, my friends and family members who visited me, news in the papers which came in the right time to surpress the "depression", all of the people who has said nice and kind words to me, every smile and laughter brought to me (I still remember how I chased Danny and Rudi out of the hospital ward when the two clowns made me laugh till it was so unbearable even when I support the Mercedes all the while), my colleagues who accompany me to sales initiatives without which I will need to carry heavy things, XeerSoft who brought me joy and fun at work, my Dad with his never ending support, new found friends whom I met after operation, my new found life - sounds like I found my life too - not just saving An Qi but I saved myself as well, every breath I am still taking for it allow me to inspire more people while I am still breathing, and myself for knowing how to take care of myself well.